- i am.. alone..
- i feel.. alone...
- i think.. alone....
- i wonder.. alone.....
She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an
architect.
They met and became lovers in college. They
broke up last year but remained to be "friends."
They send sweet text messages and he calls her
often to make sure she's okay. They still date.
They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It
is obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the
real score. Even her friends are in the
dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi." She works in a
telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are
in
the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4
am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs
even when there is no occasion.
Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila
nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why
does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit
sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He
hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him
hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."
They work together in an ad agency. After
office, they would watch movie, have dinner and
stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter
books for his birthday in exchange for posing as
her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made
out during the company outing in Subic and never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she
wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is
sure of is her
feelings for him. She likes him. And she's
assuming that with what he's doing to her and with
her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he
has
a girlfriend!
She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old
bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close
during their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they
would make out. They have been doing this for
months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but
then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk
about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her
friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this --
whatever it is."
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call
it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-
relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost
like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase
where the persons involved are more than friends,
but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal
agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you
may have admitted your feelings, possible ding
hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for
you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at
different stages for different reasons. It can
happen after a break-up. You still love each other,
and you want to be with each other but you broke
up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone
know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong
pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na
ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-
kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring
hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --
usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya
habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl
(sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di
naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa
kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can
be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro."
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may
patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle
sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado
kung may patutunguhan?
Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang.
Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship,
they would think that pseudo-relationship is better
than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you
are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may
mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling.
Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw
ko.
Iyong
merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag
tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil
alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong
merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the
real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a
pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And
usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang
lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not
really a relationship, you can't demand
commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May
K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will
always be uncertain about your role in his life. You
can't expect him to be always there with you. And
if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have
to
keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para
magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way.
Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya.
Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you
can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka
mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make
you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if
there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too
much? What if you have invested all your
emotions
and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to
him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out
that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it
is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when
one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of
it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam
kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-
relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi
sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron
lang "you and me," hindi "us."
Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang
mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And
usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship,
hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may
karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable,
hoping to bring back what you used to have, only
to find out eventually that the guy is in another
pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set
up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in
the process.
Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh.
Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang
future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of
the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You
can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop
settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the
real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-
relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told
me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala
ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak
pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung
magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang
ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang
kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.
Usually, hanggang doon lang siya... almost, but
not quite. 
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